Validation: Not just for parking.

Partner A: “I’m really worried about the kids. I’m not sure that we’re spending enough time with them – maybe we can work out a way to schedule more individual time with them.”

Partner B: “I’m not worried about that. What are we doing on the weekend?”

Partner A: “I’m so busy.”

Partner B: “You’re always busy.”

Partner A: “My boss didn’t speak to me this morning. I’m worried that he’s not happy with me.”

Partner B: “God, what a stupid thing to get upset about. Don’t worry about it!”

How would you feel if you were Partner A in any of these interactions? Understood? Listened to? Supported? How about brushed aside? Ignored? Devalued?

The thing that all three of these responses have in common are that they are invalidating. They do not communicate understanding or respect.  In essence, they give the message that what you say is not important, not rational, or not worthy of a reasoned response. They do not nurture closeness, but rather, drive more emotional distance between partners. Not only that, but it turns out that being understood and valued by those closest to us is a fundamental psychological need – and that being on the receiving end of a long-term pattern of invalidation increases your risk of a range of psychological disorders as it undermines your sense of self-worth along with your feeling of connectedness to your significant other.

Professor Fruzzetti, as referenced in my previous post, defines validation as “the communication of understanding and acceptance”. It can range from simply paying attention and making appropriate noises, to asking questions, clarifying and restating. It is not necessarily agreement. It’s perfectly possible to understand your partner’s position on a particular issue, and to communicate that understanding in a respectful and loving way, and to continue to disagree. If I want to spend a Saturday shopping for needed childrens’ furniture, and my partner wants to stay home, I can acknowledge that he feels that we’ve been so busy lately that to spend a day at home would be nice… whilst still maintaining my view that this Saturday is the best time to achieve the task.

Validation is important because it soothes emotion. Intense, negative emotion makes it harder to think clearly and make decisions, and is a barrier to effective communication. Responding in a validating way makes it easier for your partner to communicate clearly what they are thinking or feeling or wanting, which in turn makes it easier for you to understand, and easier for you to validate, hence further calming emotion – and before you know it, a situation which previously might have resulted in a screaming match or sulky silence has instead ended in both partners feeling understood, listened to, and valued – and therefore much closer to the other.

So how do you do it? Here are seven ways that Professor Fruzzetti recommends for verbal validation:

1. Show that you are paying attention and listening actively. Put down your phone. Mute or turn off the TV. Stop doing the washing up. Give your full attention to your partner, so you notice not only what he or she is saying, but how they are saying it. Use appropriate eye contact and small verbal cues to let them know that you are following what they’re saying. It’s obviously basic, but, occasionally, this first step may be all that’s needed!
2. Acknowledge your partner’s experience. Sometimes, particularly in high-conflict relationships, when one partner says something negative about the way they feel, the other partner becomes defensive and responds in a way that escalates the conflict. (“I’ve been feeling really lonely lately” – “Well, that’s not my fault!”) A far more potent response is to validate your partner’s feelings – “Yeah, you seem sad”. This shows that you’re willing to listen, to try to understand and accept your partner’s experience. This step is far easier when you’re calm than when you’re feeling upset or angry – so it’s important to practice!
3.  Ask questions to clarify your understanding. Showing your curiosity about your partner’s thoughts, feelings, and wants is one of the most powerful ways of validating and it leads to stronger understanding and closeness. It’s important to be careful about framing questions though, as they can seem like challenges in typically high-conflict situations, so try just to gently describe what you understand, and then what it is you don’t understand, and that you’d really like to understand better.
4. Understand partner mistakes or problems in a larger context. Sometimes your partner might do something that should not be validated, except to acknowledge that it happened. For example, dangerous, criminal or irresponsible behaviour should not be excused. However, it can be understood in the light of previous experiences and behaviour. It is important to validate what can be validated. The behaviour happened. It happened because of – usually – desires or feelings. Those desires or feelings can be validated. You can acknowledge that your partner has been feeling unusually stressed and anxious because of a combination of work and family factors, whilst maintaining that getting drunk and driving home was inexcusable. It’s important to remember that this is the person that you love, who has many positive behaviours and attributes, and they are not defined by their most recent mistake.
5. Understand historical reasons for current behaviours. If your partner is from a home where there was domestic violence, she may flinch, become upset, and retreat any time you raise your voice. If you come from a home where it was normal for everyone to solve their differences by yelling, you might initially find her reaction inexplicable. Professor Fruzzetti advises using the time when things are calm to find out as much as you can about your partner, so that their reactions make sense to you – and when they don’t, try to assume that if you knew more about them, their background, and their experiences, then everything they do would make sense.
6. Find the “of course” in his or her experience. Sometimes, what our partner is feeling is simply what anyone in that situation would be feeling. When we are upset or angry, we may fail to realise that. Try to take a minute to stand back and be objective about what your partner is experiencing. Then, let them know you “get it”.
7.  Allow yourself to be vulnerable as vulnerable as your partner... “Me too”. Sometimes, your partner may disclose truthfully and calmly that they are feeling distressed in the relationship, and that they want to feel closer, in a way that makes them emotionally vulnerable. In a case like this, it is simply not enough to give eye contact and say “uh-huh”, or to acknowledge the emotion, or even to say “anyone would feel that way.” In fact, any of those responses would be completely inappropriate and lead your partner to feel rejected and misunderstood. The only way to validate in a situation like this is to join your partner in their vulnerability – to say, “me, too.”

Fruzzetti, Alan E. (2006) The high conflict couple: A dialectical behaviour therapy guide to finding peace, intimacy and validation. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger 

If you’d like to discuss any of the issues raised in these articles, please send me an email to heather@mindsightpsychology.com.au or telephone me on 0409 224 950. If you live in the eastern suburbs of Sydney and would like to make an appointment, please call Phoenix Holistic Centre on 9386 1225.

Happily Ever After..?

I’ve had a change of focus lately which has meant that I’ve been seeing more couples for counselling. Over and above all the distress, anger and despair caused by ongoing conflict over toilet seats, gender roles, household chores, parenting styles, online shopping, infidelity or disparate sex drives, there is always the absolute astonishment and disbelief that they’ve ended up in relationship counselling. “What happened to us?” they ask. “How did we get here?” “What happened to my kind/passionate/funloving/generous wife? My understanding/romantic/helpful/active husband?” There’s often an underlying feeling that unresolvable conflict leading to counselling is something that happens to other couples, but never to “us”. They expected to live happily ever after, so come to counselling when their fairytale takes a more nightmarish turn. 

The truth is, given the complex set of expectations, beliefs, values, behaviours and temperaments we bring into relationships, it’s astounding that any of us manage to get beyond the first date. Add to that the pressures of careers, parenting, ageing, illness, grief and loss, changes in financial circumstances and the thousands of other issues that face us over a lifetime and it’s a miracle that any of manage to remain in relationships at all. 

Just as we all develop our own individual thinking styles in response to our experiences, our own habits of self-talk that either help or hinder our way through the day, every couple develops habitual ways of engaging with each other that either maintain or nurture closeness and intimacy, or result in distance and conflict. Professor Alan Fruzzetti, a psychologist at the University of Nevada, categorises   these relationship patterns into four typical styles:

Mutual Avoidance. One partner gets becomes upset over something and experiences a “spike” of negative emotion. The other partner notices the change and begins to feel negative emotional arousal as well. Both partners avoid addressing the issue for fear of escalating the potential for conflict. Each partner experiences a sense of relief by using their avoidant strategy, therefore it’s more likely to be used again in future. Of course, nothing can be solved in this pattern, and the result is increasing distance and emotional isolation. 

Destructive Engagement. In contrast to the mutual avoidance pattern, when both partners are experiencing negative emotional arousal and are locked into a pattern of destructive engagement, they express a lot of hostility toward each other. They cannot understand each other’s point of view and often end up saying things they later regret. The dangers of this pattern are that it increases each partner’s vulnerability and sensitivity so that they are more likely to experience dysregulated emotion in the future, thus perpetuating the pattern, and that the damage caused by hurtful words in heated moments may be irreparable. 

Engage-Distance Pattern. In this pattern, one partner wants to move towards an issue, to discuss it and express thoughts and feelings about it, and the other person does not wish to. The difficult thing about this pattern is that both partners may start out with the best of intentions, and have the best of reasons for choosing their strategy, but either way, the other partner inevitably feels misunderstood and disappointed and more vulnerable to emotional dysregulation in the future. 

Constructive Engagement. This is the goal: the pattern of all those happy couples who never feel the need for relationship counselling. The following are some of the habits of happy couples:

• They bring up issues when they are relevant. 
• They communicate their concerns non-aggressively, descriptively, and concisely. 
• The other partner listens, tries to understand, and communicates that understanding even when he or she disagrees. 
• When problems can’t be solved, for whatever reason, the disagreement is easily tolerated and does not overflow into other areas of the relationship. 

Sounds easy, right!? But what happens when you’re locked into one of the destructive patterns? How can you and your partner break the cycle? Luckily, Professor Fruzzetti has some excellent and proven recommendations. Stay tuned for more on how to move your relationship away from old destructive habits and towards constructive engagement. 

Fruzzetti, Alan E. (2006) The high conflict couple: A dialectical behaviour therapy guide to finding peace, intimacy and validation. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger 

If you’d like to discuss any of the issues raised in these articles, please send me an email to heather@mindsightpsychology.com.au or telephone me on 0409 224 950. If you live in the eastern suburbs of Sydney and would like to make an appointment, please call Phoenix Holistic Centre on 9386 1225.