It seems like there’s an unwritten law, a conspiracy, among women who have given birth. It states that, under no circumstances, should a woman who has given birth share any truthful, realistic or in any way confronting information about birth with any woman who is yet to experience that particular life event. “You wouldn’t want to scare them off!”, is the rationale – if they knew what it was really like, no-one would ever do it!” It’s a sentiment that comes from a noble place, having its genesis in the wish to protect future mothers from the anxiety that might result if they really knew what might happen in their birthing room. But are we really doing anyone any favours?
There were ten couples in my antenatal class. We were all booked in to have our babies in the birth centre – aiming for a natural birth, as drug free and intervention-free as we could manage. Some of us were determined to have a natural birth at almost any cost, while others were more of the “let’s try it and see what happens” mindset. Only one of us managed to actually deliver in the birth centre – the rest were transferred to the delivery suite at some point during labour, for epidurals, caesareans, or closer monitoring. Our expectations, over all, were very different from the reality we experienced – and some of us found that we had to mourn the loss of the birth that we expected.
My own experience reflected that. In that haze of pregnant expectation, I never once considered that when the time came to push my baby out into the world, that I would be so exhausted by four days of pre-labour (formerly known as ‘false’ labour – what a joke!) that I would not be able to cope with the pain. I regarded the anaesthetist who administered my epidural as some kind of benevolent god and would have kissed him if I could have moved my legs to catch him. I was not at all sorry to wave goodbye to my natural birth, however, my recovery was long and the first couple of weeks of my daughter’s life remain a blur. I do remember, however, my primary reaction being one of shock – I’d heard of pre-labour, but I’d had no idea that it could last for so long, be so painful, or result in such physical and emotional exhaustion.
There are serious implications for expectant mothers on this issue, especially given the current far-reaching cultural and psychological focus on optimism as a strength and protector against mental illness. Research has shown that women who have realistic expectations about birth and early motherhood, rather than overwhelmingly positive or negative expectations, adjust much better to the social and emotional upheaval that goes along with a new arrival. “Realistic” means giving equal time to thinking about the possibility of negative events and outcomes as you do about the positive. If you spend your entire pregnancy thinking about all the lovely baby things you will buy and all the “Huggies moments” you will have with your baby, you’re likely to have difficulty when faced with the reality. However, if you have balanced these thoughts with thoughts about the possibility of negative birth events, lack of sleep, the probability that your partner will not actually be able to take 50% of the childcare responsibilities, a baby that doesn’t know day from night, and the losses of your previous identities, your chances of coping well with early motherhood are much greater.
So what’s the answer? I am certainly not an advocate of us all starting to share the gruesome details of our birth experiences with anyone who will listen. But I do think that there is scope for us all to be a little more forthcoming about sharing our birth stories with expectant women in a gentle and supportive way.
What do you think? Should women be protected from the truth about birth or do you think the more information the better? Comment here or send me an email to heather@mindsightpsychology.com.au .
If you are expecting and feeling anxious about the forthcoming birth, speak to your midwife or obstetrician in the first instance, and if you are in the eastern suburbs of Sydney, phone 02 9386 1225 for an appointment with me.
Mindsight Psychology Services 