At a wedding recently, I was seated next to a man who has a daughter the same age as mine. We both showed admirable restraint in not comparing photos, however we did get chatting about parenting styles, and, in particular, the way we praise our children’s artworks when we pick them up from daycare. In spite of my previous admonitions against broad, nonspecific praise, I must admit that my reinforcement of my children’s smallest artistic efforts generally borders on enthusiastic. My neighbour at the table, however, told me that he peruses his daughter’s efforts before they leave the centre, and, if they don’t show some specific noteworthy element, he doesn’t take them home. “Tiger-mother!” leapt to mind as I recalled reading of Chinese mother Amy Chua, who sent her four-year-old children’s handmade birthday cards back because she deserved a better one. But then I realised that my dinner companion’s approach, actually, is probably likely to have a far better impact on his daughter’s self-esteem, persistence, and enjoyment of tasks than mine.
With my unrelenting positive reinforcement, my daughter is likely to learn that it doesn’t matter if she half-heartedly slaps a bit of paint on a piece of paper or spends half an hour painstakingly drawing a portrait of Mummy. If she gets the same level of praise for both, why would she bother to try? (I do recognise that there are benefits to art work that are not just about representative images – but the general principle stands). If I tell her that I love the picture, but not anything about her effort or technique or persistence, she won’t learn what it is that she needs to do to achieve a similar outcome in the future.
On the other hand, my erstwhile dinner companion’s daughter is learning lots of things. Firstly, that her Daddy is interested in her enough to take the time to talk to her about each of her paintings. She’s learning that things like technique, persistence and effort lead to positive outcomes, and that these are things she’s got control over. This will build her sense of competence and self esteem and lead her to persist in the face of difficult tasks as she gets older. And last but far from least, she’s learning that she can trust her father to tell her the truth, which is a foundation far better for a solid relationship than unconditional praise will ever be.
What do you think? Which side of the praise fence are you on?
Mindsight Psychology Services 
You must be logged in to post a comment.